My Mother Called Me 'Girl'
by Shino Kouen
Summary: This is a story of a little girl's past, and how she came to be what she is at Balamb Garden. *Fourth chapter uploaded* Fujin & Raijin go shopping, while Fujin does a little thinking about her new life. Short & Sweet Please tell me what you think of it
1. The Colors of My Life

**My Mother Called Me "Girl"**  
By Shino Kouen  
  
Prelude  
**The Colors of My Life**  
  


When I was three years old I lived with Mommy and Daddy. During that period of my life, I can remember a lot of color. The warm lemony glow of the sun hitting the rosy tiled floor; the blues and greens of tall glasses Mommy and Daddy cluttered the chocolate-brown table after a tasteful dinner; the deep reds of the liquid they poured into them... The cheery pinks of their laughter as they spun around in dances of their merriment, clutched in one another's arms, the whole world a haze.   
  
I stayed upstairs after six, as a little girl's rule. Little girls were to go to bed and sleep to dream, and were not to listen smilingly in the night to their parent's laughter ... but I stayed up anyway. I loved to hear their voices.  
  
Never did I guess that in the next two years all of the bright colors I'd grown to love would fade into blackness. It would be during this time that I would be stripped of my name ... and it would be during this time that Mommy and Daddy would become Mother and Father.  
  
I loved my Mommy ... but I hated my Mother.  


  
~*~  
  


_ The sun beats down on the black pavement, scorching hot. Now six years old, I watch the neighborhood kids engaging in a water battle on the front lawn across the street through the kitchen window above the sink. It's been almost two years since I'd been forbidden to ever leave the house. At first I'd cried when I watched the other kids, my old friends, playing without me...but I soon learned that crying was a sin.  
  
"You're a baby!" Mother had bellowed. "When are you going to grow up like everyone else! I can't believe you! You're such a _bad _girl! Do you hear me? Are you listening?"  
  
I hang my head and try to hold the tears. I've learned to keep my cheeks dry around Mother ... or else. I continue with my chores. Wash the dishes until they gleam whiter than white. If they aren't perfect, Mother will be mad, and then Mother will beat me...again. As she stands behind me, I can feel her breath swimming over my neck like a thick mist of chemicals. I shiver before I can catch myself. _Please don't let her have noticed! _I tell myself, _Please don't let her have seen! _But my hopes are in vain. She seizes my wrist, pulling me away from the sink. The dish I'd been scrubbing clatters to the bottom of the sink.   
  
"The water's too cold, baby?" she snaps in fury. I can smell the cheap whiskey tainting her breath as it curls under my nostrils. "Let me heat it up for you!" She doesn't let go of my wrist, but with her free hand reaches to the sink and turns on the heated water as high as it will go. I cringe back against her chest, trying to stay as far away from the sink as possible. She is stronger. With simplicity she thrusts my hands under the scalding water. I close my eyes tightly as she holds them there, biting my tongue so I won't cry out. Crying out would mean more criticism, and most definitely more punishment.  
  
An hour later, with stinging fingers, my chore is done. I turn away from the sink to see my cowardly Father sitting at the gray kitchen table, his eyes skimming the evening newspaper. Mother has left the room. He chances me a glance over the top of the colorless paper, and smiles weakly. "Go to bed now, honey."  
  
Mother had left the room, but had left her sound radar on. "Yes, go down to the basement_, girl_! Go down in the darkness where you belong!" She screeches from the living room. All ready I can hear the clinking of the glasses her and father drink from after six in the evening. Mother often drinks with her meals and throughout the day. I can't hear them so much downstairs as I used to when I was in my bedroom upstairs, but I can still hear them.   
  
Mother doesn't like for me to be in the light. Once, when I was four years old, only a few days after I'd been deemed ineligible to go outside for the rest of my life, I'd questioned why she'd taken away such a privilege.   
  
"Do you want to get cancer, _girl_? That's what being out in the sun does to weak little girls like you! You'll get cancer and it will eat away at you and you will die! _DIE!_ Do you hear me? Are you listening?!" But by then I'd broken down in tears, which only made her angrier. I soon learned what mistakes not to make.  
  
In the depths of our dark basement, I await further orders from Mother. I am allowed to sit on the stairs. Once I made the mistake of jumping on the couch that serves as my bed. By the next morning I had a broken arm, though not from the couch. I never jumped on the couch again. On occasion I work on the books I was given in kindergarten. If I did badly in school, I'd be a disgrace to the family. Mother would not like that at all, and I knew all to well what that meant. I did enjoy school. School was my haven. There were no Mothers or Fathers in school.  
  
Hours pass, but I get no more orders. If I fall asleep to early, I will be punished. My eyelids are growing heavy. I can no longer hear Mother or Father laughing upstairs. I chance tiptoeing up to the basement door to peek out. The hallways are dark. Country music and laughter drifts down from upstairs. I sigh in relief, but not until I've quietly closed the door behind me.   
  
As I creep over to my couch I notice how the blackness of night closes in around me like a cloak. It used to frighten me, but now it's the only place I feel safe. I love the blackness. I close my eyes and let myself drift ever so slowly into an unconcious void. Here is where my imagination often fills my heart with color and happy memories.  
  
But not tonight.  
  
Tonight my dreams are endless chases. Mother is angry. I'm not sure why. She is waving a picture I drew for her earlier in the day. It is a picture of a little girl playing in the sun. Her skin is cherry red, but the sun has a big, happy face printed on it. Tears are streaming down Mother's face, but I know that she is more angry than sad. She crumbles up the picture and throws it at my feet.   
  
"You are not my daughter! You're nothing more to me than a girl! A useless, ugly girl! I hate you! I never loved you, and I never will! You're a bastard child! You're not special! You're nothing but a girl!"  
  
Blue tears are on the pink carpet.  
  
_


	2. A Prisoner Of Hate

**My Mother Called Me "Girl"  
**By Kouen  
  
Chapter Two  
**A Prisoner Of Hate  
**  


After my banishment from the outdoors, Mother notified the school to let them know that I would be home-schooled, telling them it was because of family reasons. Her home schooling, if you could even call it that, was less than satisfactory. Fortunately, with the help of the books and supplies provided by the school, I was able to teach myself the majority of what was going on. Had I been in school, I might have been intelligent, but then again, I don't even remember my own name...  
  
Father died when I was nine years old. For the first time in years, I was able to leave the house. His funeral was brief, but the few breaths of fresh air were heavenly. In a way, I saw this as Father's parting gift to me. Of course, the only reason I'd been permitted to go was as a sign of respect. Had I not gone, Mother believed that I'd be getting away with my hatred towards them. I must never be allowed to show my feelings of either of them. Mother had loved Father with all of her heart, which left no room for me. Still a dreamer, I thought his departure might reunite me with Mommy.  
  
Nonetheless, while it was Father's body that left the house, it was Daddy's face I saw in the casket.  
  


~*~*~  
  


_By the time my thirteenth birthday was approaching, I'd completely given up on the hope of Mother ever loving me again. Father's death, in fact, seemed to make her hate me even more. The chores increased, the expectations grew higher, the beating got worse.  
  
I counted down the days until the time I'd become a teenager. Mother never acknowledged any of my birthdays. To her, they were just another day. On any day, she might sleep until noon, waking up only to get a drink and to see that I've completed my chores to perfection. If I haven't, she takes great joy in thinking up punishments to soothe her sick-minded hatred. Her favorite punishments include locking me in the closet, which is damp and only one square foot in measurement; forcing me to swallow ammonia, which forms a bubble in my throat and almost suffocates me, though she always pounds on my back to get me to burp it up; and whipping me with the dog's chain or a leather belt until I bleed. By now, my skin has become toughened to the beatings, and my brain has become numbed to the physical pain, but she never fails to hurt me in one way or another. Sometimes she even starves me for days at a time. The longest she ever had me go was a week and a half. By the last day, I was so exhausted that when I'd attempted to climb the steps, I fell right back down before I even made it up face boards. Finally, Mother brought me down a single piece of cold pizza. I savored every morsel of it_.  
_  
"Well, aren't you a special little shit?" She snapped when I mentioned my thirteenth birthday. "What do you want me to do about it? Make the heavens rain down with gold?"  
  
I didn't pester the subject. Secretly, I hoped she might let me have a real meal, and maybe, just maybe give me leeway on my horde of chores. I couldn't have been more wrong.  
  
I woke up early, that day. I knew I had to get the morning chores done, or there would be no breakfast at all. I scrubbed the kitchen counters until they gleamed, I mopped the floor twice and then waxed it, I made sure there wasn't a speck of dust in site. I would have made Mother breakfast, but I'd knew nothing about cooking. As Mother figured, the less I knew about food, the less likely I'd be able to feed myself to my satisfaction. If she ever suspected I took food without her permission, she'd force me to throw it up into a bucket anyway. I never got very good at lying, mostly because of my fear of her.   
  
Noon comes and goes. I've done all of my chores, but now I'm getting nervous. I continue cleaning only to keep myself busy. I don't stop until my third round of scrubbing the bathroom floor. I stand and glance at myself in the round portrait mirror. I haven't indulged in images for at least a year. My hair is a long, tangled, silver mess. My eyes have are crimson orbs with dark circles underneath them. I'm beginning to realize why Mother tells me I'm so ugly.  
  
I slowly climb the stairs and peek into Mother's room. It's empty. I shiver in new fear. She never leaves me alone, she doesn't trust me.   
  
I hurry back downstairs, afraid that at any given time Mother might return and catch me in her room. I sigh and take my place at the bottom of the basement steps. I hate myself for how well she has me trained.   
  
There was a loud slam upstairs, and I realize that she's returned. I creep up the stairs and peek out the door. Mother is leaning on the wall breathing heavily. She is more drunken than I have ever seen her before. Her eyes are red and glazed over, which I can see even through the cracked open door.   
  
"Get up here, girl!" She demanded. "_NOW!"_   
  
I crept through the door and trotted over to her. I know punishment is coming. She has me trained like the military to speak one word only sentences. "Yes?"  
  
She points to the most minuscule of smudges on her mahogany table. I hurriedly wipe at it with my sleeve. "WHAT are you doing?! Use a damned rag, girl!" She yanks me up by the back of my shirt and throws me towards the kitchen. I hurry to please her. It doesn't work.  
  
By evening, my back is covered with deep gashes, curtained by crusted blood. I lay on my couch in tears. Somehow I strain my voice to whisper shakily to myself.  
  
"Happy birthday to...me... Happy birthday to ... me... Happy birthday, dear ... dear..."  
  
I don't finish the song, because I don't know what I should fill in the blank with. In an hours time I fall asleep, but tonight I don't sleep to dream. Tonight I will sleep to escape._


	3. Running With The Wind

**My Mother Called Me "Girl"**  
By Kouen  


  


Chapter Three:  
**Running With The Wind**  


  
I think it was my thirteenth birthday that I finally snapped. Just the idea of not being able to finish the birthday song filled all of my attempts to dream with nightmares. The next day I finally took things into my own hands.   
  
I had hoped that mother would leave me again in the morning, but of course, I did not have that luck. Still, I'd pre-thought my actions, and timed just perfectly when I might make my move.  
  
A trash bag in each hand, I made my way out to the edge of the driveway. It was Mother's habbit to watch me from the doorway, but I didn't care. At the corner of the lot, I dropped the bags. For a second I imagined Mother's face twisted with anger, her eyes glinting with hate. I looked longingly up the street. Time was slipping through my fingers with every passing second. She'd be suspicious soon.   
  
With a single deep breath, my muscles tensed as I pushed away from the ground in a forward motion, during a suspended second. I feel like I'm breaking free from millions of chains that have had me trapped against a wall of thorns. I feel like I've grown wings! I run into the wind, for a moment completely carefree.  
  
Then something in my brain clicks. I sense my mother's anger, even half-way up the street. She'll come after me, I just know it! I'm too terrified to stop running. There's a pang in my side, but I can't stop! I must not let Mother catch me! I realize for the first time that I have no idea where I'm going, I've never been down the street as long as I can remember.  
  
_Cancer_!   
  
All of Mother's threats are echoing in my mind. I'm exposed to the sun. _Shelter_! I must find shelter! There's a kind of forest ahead and to the right. I make a turn onto the next road. As I do, I see Mother drunkenly veering up the road in her old chevy. I pause, frozen in terror, my mouth hanging open. _Run_, My mind demands of me. Mother is getting closer. It takes me a minute before I can move, but then I'm flying again...right into the trees. Mother cannot drive through trees. Even still, I keep going, because I know she'll get out and follow me. Tree branches and shrubs grab at my face and arms. I dive behind a bush for a moment so I can breathe.   
  
I can hear her screaming out to me from not too far away. "You won't surrvive out there, girl! You'll starve, or die of cancer! You'll be eaten by monsters!"  
  
I press my hands tightly over my ears and repeat over and over in my mind, _I will not go back, I will NOT go back!_ I close my eyes tightly and hold my breath.   
  
After what seems like forever, I crack my eyelids open and peek out. Sunlight filters through the canopy of leaves, making a pattern on the floor. The only noises I can hear are the chirping of birds and other creatures. Mother is no where to be found. I've won.  
  
_I've won!  
_  


~*~*~*~  


  
I've exhausted myself mentally and physically. I've been lying on the grass for what seems like hours. I'm starving. The moon has graced the sky with its appearence, and is retreating to the clouds. The first rays of sunlight are peaking over the clouds. Soon my skin will be saturated with its harmfullness, and I'm going to die. Funny, I used to think anything, even death, would be better than living with Mother. Now I'm not so sure...  
  
I lay on my back looking up at the clouds. I wonder if there is a heaven for girls like me.  
  
I hear someone humming a merry tune. Instinctively I curl up into the most protective position I can think of... a ball. The song is getting closer. I chance a peek between my fingers. A tall, dark-skinned man is making his way towards the edge of the forest, where I'd collapsed in exhastion the night before. If I move now, he will see me for sure. I don't like the looks of the wooden staff he is carrying. It looks like it could do more damage than Mother's fist, especially since he looks so strong..!  
  
A butterfly that has been hovering above me decides that now is the time to land on my nose. Unexpectedly, I sneeze. Mistake! The tall man has spotted me.  
  
At first he just stares, unsure of what to think of the pale, silver-haired thing dwelling on the forest floor in torn, dirty rags of clothes. I freeze up completely, terrified that he might hurt me. But he smiles warmly, slowly making his way over.   
  
"What're you doing out here? It's early, ya know? I didn't think too many people came out so early to train, ya know? Wait a second, you're not from the Garden are you?"  
  
I stare up at him, bewildered. What's a Garden, I want to ask, but my throat is dry of words. He grins wider.   
  
"You're quiet, ya know? You get in a scrape with something in there? You look a little beat up, ya know?"  
  
"No," I sate flatly, finding my little voice.   
  
""Whatcha doing here? You from Balamb? It's not safe to walk in the forest alone, ya know? Lots of creatures; especially if you aren't a fighter. So where you from?"  
  
I think hard for a second, but nothing comes to mind. This bothers me. "Nowhere," I shrug, a bit hurt.  
  
"You an orphan too? Most of us in Garden are, ya know? I've only been here a year and a half. Got special permission to come out to the forest along on a daily basis to train." He held his head regaly; proudly. "My name's Raijin, ya know? What's yours?"  
  
I chew my lip, again hurt that I cannot answer the question. I turn away from him, in sorrow, though that's not how he sees it.   
  
"I won't turn you in, ya know? You can trust me..."  
  
"No name," I spit harshly in the short sentences Mother drilled me to use.  
  
"No name?!" He exclaims, "Can't be! What did your parents call you?"  
  
"My Mother..." I gulp uncomfortably. "My Mother called me 'girl',"   
  
"Girl? You didn't have a name?"   
  
I shook my head slowly. "She..." I want to tell him everything, for some reason, I feel I can trust him. I focus on speaking in full sentences. "She beat me all of the time. She made me forget my name. I ran away from her yesterday."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry... That's sad. You'd fit right in at Garden, though, ya know? Wanna come back with me?"  
  
I do, but I won't. The authorities would ship me right back to Mother's waiting clutches for sure! "No! I can't! They'll send me back!" I was frantic, and beginning to hyperventalate. He reached out and grabbed my shoulders, and I nearly screamed.  
  
"Calm down, ya know? It's okay, it's okay!" He repeated it until my breathing slowed and evened. My stomach was still aflight with fear. I attempted to squirm away, but I couldn't budge. His strength was amazing!   
  
"It's okay, it's okay," he is still murmmering in a soothing voice. I stare up at him in wonder. He smiles gently at me. "I'll tell ya what, ya know? you stay here, I won't tell. I'll teach you to fight a little, so you won't get killed, ya know?"  
  
I nodded, blinking back tears that had swollen under my eyelids, but hadn't fallen. My stomach chose that moment to grumble loudly, and I realize that I haven't eaten for three days. Raijin laughs heartilly with a grin.  
  
"Hungry, huh? You're so thin...! Tell ya what! I'll get ya a hot dog and bring it to you, ya know?"  
  
I nod, quietly watching his broad shoulders as he turns away. I follow him to the edge of the forest, where he makes his way to a huge structure of bright colors, which I assumed was the Garden.  
  
After about half an hour, I gave up waiting on him and drifted to sleep, curled on the floor of the wooded land.  
  
Some time later I found myself being shaken awake. I jumped to my feet only to be greeted by huge grin of Raijin. His smile widened as he handed me two still-warm hot dogs. I devoured them in seconds, while he laughed.   
  
"Did you remember your name yet?" He asked curiously. I frowned and shook my head. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll remember in time." Comfortingly, he patted me on the shoulder. Out of habit I winced. Seeming out of no where he pulled out a large quilt wrapped around a pillow. "Got these for you too, ya know? So you'll have something to sleep on, ya know?"  
  
"Thanks," I nod in approval. He laughs again.  
  
"You're not much of a conversationalist, ya know?" I stare, unable to come up with any words. This ammuses him even more. "I have to get back now, before Seifer gets mad, ya know?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Seifer Almasy. My best and only friend at Garden." he grinned proudly. "Me and him are the strongest our age!" I could see most of his teeth and how white they are. He is so proud of his Garden. I found the courage to smile weakly at him for the first time. This pleases him very much. "See? You're lightening up, ya know! Tomorrow," he crosses his well muscled arms over his large chest. "I am taking to to Balamb. Not to turn you in!" He quickly adds, seeing me start to panic again, and raises his hands to reassure me. "You need a weapon," he explains, "to fight of the creatures. Don't worry, I've got plenty of gil."  
  
My eyes widen in surprise, and a startled noise escapes my throat.  
  
"Don't argue! I'll see you tomorrow, ya know? Sleep well."  
  
Again I watch him retreat to his home. Now, with my blanket, I take shelter from the sun for the remainder of the day. When the moon was high, I fell into a deep sleep where I am greeted by Raijin... my new...friend?


	4. What's In A Name?

**My Mother Called Me 'Girl'  
**~A Kouen Origional~  
(except for... the CHARACTERS!)  
  
**Chapter Four**  
**What's In A Name?  
  
**

Raijin came for me early, but I was all ready awake. Years and years of Her had taught me not to dare to sleep past the crack of dawn. I sat on my pillow, hooded by the blanket so that hardly an inch of my body was directly exposed. Raijin chuckled when he saw this.   
  
"Nice outfit, ya know?"  
  
I gritted my teeth, offended. "No. Worried."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"Cancer."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Sun," I nodded upwards. Raijin was confused.  
  
"Why the sun? You can't get cancer from just being in the sun, ya know?"  
  
"Mother said."  
  
"You're mother's nuts. I think she was trying to scare you or something, ya know? Come on," he motioned for me to drop the blanket, and I did, however reluctiantly. "I want to teach you something first. Creatures tend to prey on dwadling beings, ya know? So I wanna teach you to use magic even before we get your weapon."   
  
I listen with fasination as Raijin tells me how to draw and use magical attacks. He lets me draw a few from him to start with. I draw aero, cure, and fira. There's a lot of things to remember, but it's so amazing that I don't think I'll forget.   
  
"Oh yeah," Raijin mutters as we start out. "I forgot to tell you, ya know? I hafta meet Seifer for lunch. I tried to get out of it, ya know? But he just wouldn't listen, ya know?" I nod, unsure what I'm supposed to do while he eats.  
  
Our first encounter with a creature is with a Bite Bug, which looks like an over sized mosquito. Raijin allows me to make the first attack. I summon up the energy required to cast aero, but it isn't working. The Bug chooses to attack with fire. Magical flames spread over my body. I thought I was screaming out, but I didn't hear anything. THe intense pain only lasted a few seconds, but it forced me to stumble back and land on my butt. I felt considerably weaker, and incredibly embarrased.   
  
I scrambled to my feet, but no longer had the energy to fight. I half-hoped that Raijin would kill the bug, but instead he cast cure on me. It felt like I was flying for just a second.  
  
"Try again, ya know?" He shouted to me.  
  
This time I consentrated even harder, and my aero worked! A windy ring formed around the bug and zapped its energy. The bug wavered a second in the air, then dropped to the ground where it was immediately absorbed. Adrenaline was coursing through my veins. Raijin beamed proudly.  
  
"You did it! In one blow, too, ya know?! That was amazing, Fujin!"   
  
I almost didn't catch the words he said, but it hit me last second. "Fujin?"  
  
"That's what I'm gonna call you, ya know? It's perfect for you."  
  
"Fujin," I repeated, pleased and honored. I never smiled as much to this very day.  
  


~*~*~*~*~  
  


When Raijin and I entered the weapons shop in Balamb, I was astounded. I never imagined so many horrible looking objects! I tensed up immediately, expecting Mother to jump out with something in her hands. Raijin didn't seem to notice, though, as he pranced happily around the shop like a little boy in a toy store. "What whould be perfect for Fujin?" he asked himself. "Here's a whip...no...too wimpy. Nunchaku? Nah... What do you think, Fuu?"  
  
"Uh..." I shrugged, "Don't... know... what... are..."  
  
He nodded, in response. "Okay, I'll show you. This is a staff," he said, motioning to the line of huge oar-looking things he'd been practically drooling over a moment ago. "Large blunt poles used for hitting and beating on people repeatedly."  
  
I pictured Mother with one of these large poles and winced visibly. Raijin continued, "A staff would be too big for you, though, you aren't tall enough. These," he moved his hand to to a showcase of elaborate looking sword-like things. "Are gunblades. This is what Seifer uses. Causes the most damage of all weapons, but incredibly expensive and difficult to use. Hmm... your fists are too small to use weighted or spiked gloves, and a gun just wouldn't do enough... a-HA!" He cried out in triumph, picking up a blue pinwheel-type thing with blades around it. "This is perfect! A shuriken! Can throw from a distance, and slash right up front, and still cause pleanty of damage! Specially made so you can even junction wind to it!" He grinned from ear to ear as he presented me with his prize. "Perfect for you, don't you think?" I turn it over in my hands to admire it from all angles. It's light weight and elegant, but has a look that says 'destroy!' I'd love to use it against Mother more than anyone. I flick my eyes down to the price. 2500 gil. My eyes grow huge and I gently, but quickly, put it back down.  
  
"What's wrong? Don't like it?" Raijin almost sounds hurt.  
  
I shake my head. "Expensive."  
  
He smiles warmly, placing a large hand on my shoulder. "Not a problem." Again, he picks it up, and this time marches right over to the chashier to purchase it. I thank him graciously for almost fifteen minutes.  
  


~*~*~*~*~  
  


While Raijin eats lunch with Seifer, I sit on the docks of Balamb looking out towards to what was explained to me was the city of Dollet. I think about Mother as my feet dangle above the water. Does she think of me? Is she angry? Sad? What would she do if I went back? Would she kill me?   
  
The thoughts were less than comforting, and I found myself with my knees drawn up to my chest sobbing. People passing by stared or laughed coldly. A few children made fun of my torn, dirty clothes. I realized, then, how alone I really was.  
  
Nearly an hour later, Raijin came for me. He presented me with a cone filled with a soft white substance I reckognized as something Mother had eaten on occasion. He smiled as I accepted one just like his.   
  
"Have some ice cream, ya know?"   
  
I tasted it and decided I never had something so wonderful tasting. Raijin chatted endlessly about my new weapon, and how he was going to borrow some books from the library about it so he could teach me. I just smiled as I walked beside him back to the forest. Again, he asked me to join him at the Garden, and I refused. He smiled a sad smile as he whispered. "You're a brave woman, Fujin. I hope I see you tomorrow."  
  
[end chapter four]  



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